I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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