Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
