So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
