Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
