he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
