Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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