I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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