Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
