I just cut my nipple shaving
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
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