eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
3pm strippers are depressing
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just high enough for therapy.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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