apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
