I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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