My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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