Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
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I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
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I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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