DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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