Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
