I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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