Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
did i walk over a car last night?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
