She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
