i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
