He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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