Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
