i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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