I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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