I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
