And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
