Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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