He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
