I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Randomize
