i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
