Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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