I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
