When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
