I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
