Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
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Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
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Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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