Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
