well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The dick lei will go down in squad history
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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