we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
