At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
