I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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