im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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