Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
