i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I love having hate sex.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
