Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
