In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
