No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
