Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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