Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
