Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
