hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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