i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?