I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
