At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
