OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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