exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
